relationships (Proverbs 22:1-29) Advice in Balance

(Proverbs 22:1-29)

1   A good name is to be more desired than great wealth;
     Favor is better than silver and gold.
2   The rich and the poor have a common bond,
     The Lord is the Maker of them all.
3   A prudent person sees evil and hides himself,
     But the naive proceed, and pay the penalty.
4   The reward of humility and the fear of the Lord
     Are riches, honor, and life.
5   Thorns and snares are in the way of the perverse;
     One who guards himself will be far from them.
6   Train up a child in the way he should go,
     Even when he grows older he will not abandon it.
7   The rich rules over the poor,
     And the borrower becomes the lender’s slave.
8   One who sows injustice will reap disaster,
     And the rod of his fury will perish.
9   One who is generous will be blessed,
     Because he gives some of his food to the poor.
10 Drive out the scoffer, and strife will leave,
     Even quarreling and dishonor will cease.
11 One who loves purity of heart 
     And whose speech is gracious, the king is his friend.
12 The eyes of the Lord protect knowledge,
     But He overthrows the words of the treacherous person.
13 The lazy one says, “There is a lion outside;
     I will be killed in the streets!”
14 The mouth of an adulteress is a deep pit;
     He who is cursed of the Lord will fall into it.
15 Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child;
     The rod of discipline will remove it far from him.
16 One who oppresses the poor to make more for himself,
     Or gives to the rich, will only come to poverty.

17 Extend your ear and hear the words of the wise,
     And apply your mind to my knowledge;
18 For it will be pleasant if you keep them within you,
     So that they may be ready on your lips.
19 So that your trust may be in the Lord,
     I have taught you today, you indeed.
20 Have I not written to you excellent things 
     Of counsels and knowledge,
21 To make you know the certainty of the words of truth,
     So that you may correctly answer him who sent you?

22 Do not rob the poor because he is poor,
     Nor crush the needy at the gate;
23 For the Lord will plead their case 
     And take the life of those who rob them.

24 Do not make friends with a person given to anger,
     Or go with a hot-tempered person,
25 Or you will learn his ways 
     And find a snare for yourself.

26 Do not be among those who shake hands,
     Among those who become guarantors for debts.
27 If you have nothing with which to repay,
     Why should he take your bed from under you?

28 Do not move the ancient boundary 
     Which your fathers have set.

29 Do you see a person skilled in his work?
     He will stand before kings;
     He will not stand before obscure people.

TODAY'S THOUGHTS AND MEDITATION:

While the Lord has created both the rich and the poor, and loves them both, in this sinful, broken world (for now) it just works out that the rich will rule over the poor.  So how do we navigate through life while maintaining a close relationship with the Lord and remaining in His will?  Here we are reminded that favor and a good reputation is better than wealth.  Meanwhile, the Lord will give riches, honor and eternal life to those who humbly fear Him, live for Him, focus on Him, and love Him above all else.  

If we love pleasures of the flesh more, we will fall into the trappings of promiscuity and adultery.  If we love the world more, we will make friends with those who are selfish, volatile and angry, only to become selfish and volatile ourselves, being angry for the wrong reasons.  If we love material things above all else, one will fall into debt, which comes with its own set of consequences.  If we love money more, we will fall into sinful tactics, criminal behaviors and danger.

No matter what or how, to live for oneself without the Lord in one's life is to be cursed.  But being "cursed of the Lord" doesn't mean that all is lost.  One still has the opportunity to turn to the Lord to be saved!  It is only foolishness if a person decides to keep denying God and going against His will.  To proceed wisely requires us to humbly fear and love the Lord and what He tells us!

Therefore, even biblical advice needs to be considered carefully, and in context.  Like how we are to run and hide from evil, yet we ARE to defend and help bring about justice for the vulnerable.  Like how we should avoid toxic people, to protect ourselves and our family, but still love everyone and not be afraid.  Like, how we are to be generous to the poor, but not neglect providing for our family.

To balance out these things safely and to God's glory, we need His wisdom, guidance, strength and love.  To have a pure heart is to confess sin and fill it with God's goodness, so that we see and hear His words and instructions clearly.  It is only the Lord who can purify our hearts, and change us from the inside out so that our actions will be trustworthy and appreciated.  In putting our trust in the Lord's wisdom, we will be guided in truth, so that things will work out for good.  Our treasures are in heaven, and our wealth is in the Lord and what He gives to our lives.  And because He gives to us so generously, we can serve, equip, encourage and give to others generously, especially to our children!

To have a peaceful household, and for our children to know how to establish their own peaceful households, we need to teach and equip them with the Lord's truth.  They will not figure it out on their own.  Since we are all born with a sin nature, what comes "naturally" is sinful thinking and behavior.  Therefore, we have a very important job as parents, which we should not neglect.  But this does not mean that we should abuse or bully anyone into submission.  

Always in love, we should teach God's word and the importance of having a personal relationship with the Lord, and teach discipline and how to work diligently.  And of course, we need to be allowing the Lord to work in our own lives so that we will be a worthy example.  How we give, and how we live, is what we will foster in all of our relationships and environments.  

relationships (Proverbs 21:9-31) Calming the Waters of Agitation

(Proverbs 21:9-31)

9   It is better to live on a corner of a roof 
     Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
10 The soul of the wicked desires evil;
     His neighbor is shown no compassion in his eyes.
11 When the scoffer is punished, the naive becomes wise;
     But when the wise is instructed, he receives knowledge.
12 The righteous one considers the house of the wicked,
     Bringing the wicked to ruin.
13 One who shuts his ear to the outcry of the poor 
     Will also call out himself, and not be answered.
14 A gift in secret subdues anger,
     And a bribe in an inside pocket, strong wrath.
15 The exercise of justice is joy for the righteous,
     But terror to those who practice injustice.
16 A person who wanders from the way of understanding 
     Will rest in the assembly of the dead.
17 One who loves pleasure will become a poor person;
     One who loves wine and oil will not become rich.
18 The wicked is a ransom for the righteous,
     And the treacherous is in the place of the upright.
19 It is better to live in a desert land 
     Than with a contentious and irritating woman.
20 There is precious treasure and oil in the home of the wise,
     But a foolish person swallows it up.
21 One who pursues righteousness and loyalty 
     Finds life, righteousness, and honor.
22 A wise person scales the city of the mighty 
     And brings down the stronghold in which they trust.
23 One who guards his mouth and his tongue,
     Guards his soul from troubles.
24 “Proud,” “Arrogant,” “Scoffer,” are his names,
     One who acts with insolent pride.
25 The desire of the lazy one puts him to death,
     For his hands refuse to work;
26 All day long he is craving,
     While the righteous gives and does not hold back.
27 The sacrifice of the wicked is an abomination,
     How much more when he brings it with evil intent!
28 A false witness will perish,
     But a person who listens will speak forever.
29 A wicked person displays a bold face,
     But as for the upright, he makes his way sure.
30 There is no wisdom, no understanding,
     And no plan against the Lord.
31 The horse is prepared for the day of battle,
     But the victory belongs to the Lord.

TODAY'S THOUGHTS AND MEDITATION:

While the prideful, arrogant person speaks and acts out with disrespect, we also need to beware of and avoid the cunning person who pretends to be good.  We cannot judge their hearts, but selfish and evil intentions will eventually show themselves.  People think they can outwit and outthink the Lord, but they cannot.  And although they will put on a bold face to hide what lurks within, those who practice injustice will be afraid when justice is enforced.

Those who are unreasonable and contentious are those who are self-centered and selfish, wanting things their own way.  In turn, this will irritate and infuriate others, causing them to either keep their distance, or take a stand and fight.  "The horse is prepared for the day of battle!"  People tend to keep score on wrongs done.  And then, desiring revenge or retaliation, when pushed to a limit, they will unleash their anger.  But, put two selfish people together who only want to get their own way, there will never be peace.  So when does it end?  And how can we calm the waters of agitation?

To have a household of love, peace and joy requires good intentions toward others, and this starts with ourselves.  The Lord's salvation is the beginning.  And then as we mature in our walk with Him, we will desire to study His word so we can understand and apply His instructions.  Justice (or rules) needed for peace need to be enforced.  Without discipline, delivered with God's love, there will not be peace, joy, or confidence and clarity as to what our purpose and direction should be.  

Part of discipline includes teaching our children (and mentoring others), living by example, and working together in serving one another.  We can either squander and deplete a community's or a household's resources, or we can contribute.  Giving appropriate chores to our kids will teach them not only to help out at home, but it will teach them discipline for when they are old enough to go out and get a job and manage their own household.

Another part of discipline is learning how to manage relationships, friend or foe... the earlier, the better.  It is important to apologize quickly when we have wronged anyone, whether they forgive us or not.  Many people's agitations will be calmed when they hear a well-timed apology.  And it is also important to forgive quickly (in your heart), whether there is an apology or not.  This does not say that what they did was okay, but it is releasing yourself from becoming bitter, hateful and angry.  And when and if they do apologize, be gracious, thank them and let them know that you have forgiven them.  Does this always work towards reconciliation?  Not always, but we will experience an inner peace, knowing that we have done what we can, and that we have done the right things.

If we have found peace and contentment in our own hearts, and work on keeping our hearts humble and selfless, then we can live in peace and unity with others, outside and inside our household.  As we work on loving, building up and encouraging others, we will have an easier time listening patiently, as well as saying the right things at the right time.  Obviously, being in prayer about all of this will help calm troubling situations, as well as help us avoid them altogether.

Now, I have to touch on something.  This love language business!  I know some Christian wrote a book on this topic to help us better understand other people, but I really believe that this has become a bit of a crutch.  Even though verse 14 talks about gifts and bribes calming someone down, the verse is not saying that this is what we should do.  This verse is followed by how we, the righteous, receive joy when we exercise justice.  If a Christian's love language is "gifts", then it should be about giving gifts, not receiving them.  Sure, it's very lovely to receive gifts, but we should not expect or depend on these in order to feel loved.

God loves us.  Period.  And everything good is a gift from God.  He also gives each Christian spiritual gifts for us to use to serve Him, our fellow believers, and others.  And then, when we ask, the Lord fills our hearts and empowers us to use those gifts as needed, to His glory.  So, when God's love is overflowing within our hearts, it will overflow to our family, friends and out into the neighborhood and community... and on and on.  

God's love is unconditional, selfless and compassionate.  Since it is also generous, we will desire to give of ourselves, our time and our finances to help those in need.  It is also about standing up for justice and helping the vulnerable.  As we pursue righteousness and loyalty, we will gain an honorable reputation, because we are part of the solution and not part of the problem.  And because a solution is from the Lord's wisdom, and through the Lord's help and strength, there will be victory!

relationships (Proverbs 21:1-8) Our Plans Impact Others

(Proverbs 21:1-8)

1   The king’s heart is like channels of water in the hand of the Lord;
     He turns it wherever He pleases.
2   Every person’s way is right in his own eyes,
     But the Lord examines the hearts.
3   To do righteousness and justice 
     Is preferred by the Lord more than sacrifice.
4   Haughty eyes and a proud heart,
     The lamp of the wicked, is sin.
5   The plans of the diligent certainly lead to advantage,
     But everyone who is in a hurry certainly comes to poverty.
6   The acquisition of treasures by a lying tongue 
     Is a fleeting vapor, the pursuit of death.
7   The violence of the wicked will sweep them away,
     Because they refuse to act with justice.
8   The way of a guilty person is crooked,
     But as for the pure, his conduct is upright.

TODAY'S THOUGHTS AND MEDITATION:

My grade 6 teacher often said, "Haste makes waste."  I would kind of roll my eyes every time he said that, but he is so right!  Rushing into anything, big or small, is never wise.  Without thoughtful planning, one is more likely to cut corners by lying and/or doing something illegal, or at the very least, doing a job that is not satisfactory.  So the potential "poverty"  is not just about financial loss, but can include death, wasted time, and depletion of integrity and standards.  So even in dire situations with impending danger, we should spend the time even to just pray, "Lord, help!"

What does that have to do with relationships?  Well, if these projects are being done at a workplace, your relationships with your boss and colleagues will be compromised.  If these plans involve your spouse and children, everything that is done will impact your family.  Everything we do and say will either help or hinder the relationships around us, so it is always best to consider each step we take.

To help with that, we have the omniscient and omnipotent Lord God who desires to have a personal relationship with us!  He not only wants to save, fill, transform and empower us, but He wants to help us understand the best way to do things so that things work out for good.  Therefore, He gave us His word, so that we can study and clearly understand His plans and the plans and purpose He has for us.  Afterall, He is truth, as well as love.

Now, even if a person chooses to live by God's truth, but doesn't give Him their heart to save, fill, transform and empower, it doesn't matter what a person does or doesn't do or how religious they are.  Without the Lord's forgiveness, a person is still enslaved to their sin which fills their heart and deceives them into thinking that they don't need the Lord's salvation or help.  

One day, the Lord will judge our hearts.  Sinners will be judged and punished by their sins.  And because, as believers, our sins have been forgiven, we will be judged and rewarded for our good deeds done with right motives.  Therefore, even now, the Lord examines our hearts.  For those who have given their hearts to the Lord in faith, we have His indwelling Holy Spirit of promise to seal us for eternity and to convict and guide us.  And because we do, our faith, our belief, and our relationship with Him will be evident in how we choose to live, in His righteousness and justice.

And, even though we cannot lose our salvation, we can still stumble.  This happens when we decide to do things in our own strength, wisdom and desires.  If we let ourselves become proud and arrogant, this is when we will start chasing after sin.  This is when we start putting other things ahead of the Lord, such as money, sleep, pleasure, wine, oil, money...  These things are not evil in and of themselves, it is the LOVE of these things.  And anyone who puts their trust in possessions, riches, strength, or their own wisdom, will come to ruin.

Victory belongs to the Lord!  The Lord is creator of all things, and He is the one who gives good gifts and wants the best for us.  So why love and worship the things that God has created, when we can love and worship the Creator!?  If we truly love and trust Him, then the most important focus in our lives will be the Lord, and following His will.

relationships (Proverbs 20:1-30) Those to Avoid or Befriend

(Proverbs 20:1-30)

1   Wine is a mocker, intoxicating drink a brawler,
     And whoever is intoxicated by it is not wise.
2   The terror of a king is like the roaring of a lion;
     One who provokes him to anger forfeits his own life.
3   Avoiding strife is an honor for a person,
     But any fool will quarrel.
4   The lazy one does not plow after the autumn,
     So he begs during the harvest and has nothing.
5   A plan in the heart of a person is like deep water,
     But a person of understanding draws it out.
6   Many a person proclaims his own loyalty,
     But who can find a trustworthy person?
7   A righteous person who walks in his integrity—
     How blessed are his sons after him.
8   A king who sits on the throne of justice 
     Disperses all evil with his eyes.
9   Who can say, “I have cleansed my heart,
     I am pure from my sin”?
10 Differing weights and differing measures,
     Both of them are abominable to the Lord.
11 It is by his deeds that a boy distinguishes himself,
     If his conduct is pure and right.
12 The hearing ear and the seeing eye,
     The Lord has made both of them.
13 Do not love sleep, or you will become poor;
     Open your eyes, and you will be satisfied with food.
14 “Bad, bad,” says the buyer,
     But when he goes his way, then he boasts.
15 There is gold, and an abundance of jewels;
     But lips of knowledge are a more precious thing.
16 Take his garment when he becomes guarantor for a stranger;
     And for foreigners, seize a pledge from him.
17 Bread obtained by a lie is sweet to a person,
     But afterward his mouth will be filled with gravel.
18 Prepare plans by consultation,
     And make war by wise guidance.
19 One who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets;
     Therefore do not associate with a gossip.
20 He who curses his father or his mother,
     His lamp will go out in time of darkness.
21 An inheritance gained in a hurry at the beginning 
     Will not be blessed in the end.
22 Do not say, “I will repay evil”;
     Wait for the Lord, and He will save you.
23 Differing weights are an abomination to the Lord,
     And a false scale is not good.
24 A man’s steps are ordained by the Lord;
     How then can a person understand his way?
25 It is a trap for a person to say carelessly, “It is holy!”
     And after the vows to make inquiry.
26 A wise king scatters the wicked,
     And drives a threshing wheel over them.
27 The spirit of a person is the lamp of the Lord,
     Searching all the innermost parts of his being.
28 Loyalty and truth watch over the king,
     And he upholds his throne by loyalty.
29 The glory of young men is their strength,
     And the honor of old men is their gray hair.
30 Bruising wounds clean away evil,
     And blows cleanse the innermost parts.

TODAY'S THOUGHTS AND MEDITATION:

What kind of person we are, and how we live and make decisions, and who we look to for our guidance, will determine what kind of friends and circles of acquaintances we will have.  The verses above give a few examples of things to do, and things not to do in order to have better relationships with others.  While, as believers, we know that as we love God first, we will better be able to show love to others;  we can still forget this very simple principle and approach.  Therefore, God gives us examples of psychology and reasons behind His instructions.

Lack of self-control in all areas of life will certainly create disturbances within our relationships.  This includes everything from uncontrollable anger, to over or under eating, to being promiscuous.  And let's not minimize the problems associated with being addicted to things like playing computer games, gambling or pornography, which will either attract the wrong types of people, give us unrealistic expectations and false perceptions of reality, and/or isolate us from the rest of the world.  But if one adds to all these things the lack of control with drinking or drugs, all issues will become even bigger, since a person's inhibitions are lowered, as well as their capacity to reason.

Provoking anyone who has more strength or authority than us is extremely unwise.  But provoking anyone is still not wise, as well as - just not nice.  And why argue with someone about anything.  Even on a topic that we are concerned about, arguing rarely solves an issue.  Discussions, on the other hand, can be good to have, and are often necessary.  For me, I need to remember to ask for God's wisdom when approaching any topic of conversation, and ask Him if it is even necessary.  And is what I want to say loving and helpful.  I've noticed that some topics can very quickly become contentious.  And even if we lay out our well-reasoned take on things, if the other person is not opened to hearing opposing viewpoints, it is just not worth it.

Also just as dangerous is associating with those who are gossips and slanderers.  If someone is telling juicy stories about someone or news tidbits that sound outrageous, understand that they are only telling you these things to get you to confide with them or get you to overreact in some way.  Don't ever assume that they would never slander or gossip about you.  It's just best to avoid these people, while still being respectful and loving.  And if we find ourselves being "this person", we have to know that this is hurtful to others and ourselves.  Also falling into this category is cursing others, especially our parents, even if they have not been the best of people.  We are also never to seek revenge, with violence or with words.

Standing up for justice, and treating people fairly and with love, will help deal with those people who commit crimes or are struggling with addictions.  The more authority and knowledgeable experience one has, the more good one is able to do, as long as one is able to remain steadfast.  As God-fearing Christians, we will know to rely on the Lord for our guidance.  No one is able to save themselves or make themselves pure, or even determine truth, so we need God's intervention, and continuous nourishment, transformation and help.  

Making and having plans is a good thing, even for those times we have to reconcile a situation within a relationship.  I have found out, both the hard and the easy way, that I need to include God in everything.  Never declare that something, someone or some plan is good or based on truth, until we have done the research.  A plan established on truth will be dependable.  Don't just find one Bible verse that "seems" to fit, but really dig into God's words and keep things in context.

Good questions to ask the Lord are:  Should I do anything in this circumstance?  Is my plan within Your will?  How should I carry out a plan?  If I were on the receiving end of things, would I be receptive?  And then, humble and prepare our heart, asking God for His love, wisdom and strength to proceed.  Sometimes I even require the Lord to motivate me with His courage.  As well, at any point, without sharing anything confidential, we can seek out wise counsel and guidance.

How we plan and carry out plans, and how we live and make decisions based on truth, will demonstrate to others how loyal, trustworthy, dependable and righteous we are.  And these attributes will be found in our homes as well.  With that, one's children will tend to also be level-headed, upright and productive.  

Depending on the Lord doesn't mean that we will never struggle.  As verse 30 alludes to, when we do struggle or suffer, we can learn and become stronger.  It is in calling upon the Lord, He will guide us through our soul-searching and healing process.  All of these experiences will also help us better help others with love and compassion.  Deepening our relationship with the Lord, will help us deepen our relationships with those who will in turn help enrich our lives.

relationships (Proverbs 19:1-29) Encouraging Advice

(Proverbs 19:1-29) 

1   Better is a poor person who walks in his integrity 
     Than a person who is perverse in speech and is a fool.
2   Also it is not good for a person to be without knowledge,
     And one who hurries his footsteps errs.
3   The foolishness of a person ruins his way,
     And his heart rages against the Lord.
4   Wealth adds many friends,
     But a poor person is separated from his friend.
5   A false witness will not go unpunished,
     And one who declares lies will not escape.
6   Many will seek the favor of a generous person,
     And every person is a friend to him who gives gifts.
7   All the brothers of a poor person hate him;
     How much more do his friends abandon him!
     He pursues them with words, but they are gone.
8   One who gets wisdom loves his own soul;
     One who keeps understanding will find good.
9   A false witness will not go unpunished,
     And one who declares lies will perish.
10 Luxury is not fitting for a fool;
     Much less for a slave to rule over princes.
11 A person’s discretion makes him slow to anger,
     And it is his glory to overlook an offense.
12 A king’s wrath is like the roaring of a lion,
     But his favor is like dew on the grass.
13 A foolish son is destruction to his father,
     And the quarrels of a wife are a constant dripping.
14 House and wealth are an inheritance from fathers,
     But a prudent wife is from the Lord.
15 Laziness casts one into a deep sleep,
     And a lazy person will suffer hunger.
16 One who keeps the commandment keeps his soul,
     But one who is careless of conduct will die.
17 One who is gracious to a poor person lends to the Lord,
     And He will repay him for his good deed.
18 Discipline your son while there is hope,
     And do not desire his death.
19 A person of great anger will suffer the penalty,
     For if you rescue him, you will only have to do it again.
20 Listen to advice and accept discipline,
     So that you may be wise the rest of your days.
21 Many plans are in a person’s heart,
     But the advice of the Lord will stand.
22 What is desirable in a person is his kindness,
     And it is better to be a poor person than a liar.
23 The fear of the Lord leads to life,
     So that one may sleep satisfied, untouched by evil.
24 The lazy one buries his hand in the dish,
     But will not even bring it back to his mouth.
25 Strike a scoffer and the naive may become clever,
     But rebuke one who has understanding, and he will gain knowledge.
26 He who assaults his father and drives his mother away 
     Is a shameful and disgraceful son.
27 Stop listening, my son, to discipline,
     And you will stray from the words of knowledge.
28 A worthless witness makes a mockery of justice,
     And the mouth of the wicked swallows wrongdoing.
29 Judgments are prepared for scoffers,
     And beatings for the backs of fools.

TODAY'S THOUGHTS AND MEDITATION:

Typically when a person lives by their "own truths", and then when things go wrong, they somehow blame God.  Of course, they don't want to blame themselves, because they want to continue doing what they want to do, right or wrong.  But to speak truth and to walk in truth, we need to first know what is truth.  And truth is not determined by our feelings, thoughts or beliefs.  Therefore, logic and integrity would prompt a person to seek out truth, and then accept it and live by it.  But because of sin, there is death and division, not just between people and the Lord, but between each other, whether it is between other nations, cultures, neighbors, friends, family and even between spouses.  

While there are selfish, sinful reasons to make friends with someone, there are also selfish, sinful behaviors that will make them enemies.  Incorrect motives for making friends include people's popularity, fame, external beauty, financial success, power and what the other person can and will give and do for their friends.  Selfish, sinful tactics to try to control and manipulate others can include enabling and committing injustices, lying, slandering, arguing, nagging, being careless and lazy, and expecting others to do all the work.

The world's solution for when the other person is no longer useful or is not being supportive in the way that is desired, the selfish, sinful reactions and tactics can include shunning, hating, and seeking revenge.  Another reason why we might use wrongful tactics is when we make assumptions about a situation or a person.  If we just want to get our own way, we tend to avoid getting to the actually truth.  

All of these things only bring division, deception and destruction, and all of these things will not go unpunished for the unbeliever.  And if a believer has done these things, God will allow consequences into our lives, because He loves us and cares about us, and has a better way for us.  Of course, because God is love, He never forces anyone to love Him back or be obedient.  It is always our decision.

If we care about ourself, our heart, our soul, and our life (presently and eternally), then we will desire to know God and understand His wisdom.  And then, living a life in the Lord's salvation, in His righteousness, to His honor and His glory, He will work things out for good, and that would include helping us with all relationships.

As per the scripture above, here are some examples of problems and solutions which can be found and applied within our homes.

Towards our children, if we care, we will discipline them.  This is about using every opportunity as a teaching moment.  Teach them things they should do, and not just things that they shouldn't do.  Giving reasons why, will help children understand and better remember what is expected.  We cannot expect them to behave if they don't know what that looks like.  And we cannot deliver consequences if they don't know what not to do.  Being consistent in our messaging and our reactions is critical.  And both parents should be on the same page as to what are the rules, and how consequences will be delivered.  Otherwise, a child will learn to pit one parent against the other.  It's not good for the marriage, and it is not good for the child.

When a child defiantly disobeys, there needs to be immediate and appropriate consequences, in private.  NEVER discipline with anger or be abusive (spiritually, emotionally, verbally or physically).  Everything should be said and done with love.  While delivering consequences, it is important that the child is asked, (for example) "What did we tell you not to do?"  If they don't remember, remind them.  And then ask them, "But what DID you do?"  This allows them to confess what they did aloud, which should have them feel remorse.  That is a good and healthy thing!  

As well, parents need to deliver whatever consequence in love, but with firmness, and no regrets.  Children should not just hear that you are disciplining them because you care and want the best for them, they need to experience that.  Delivering consequences will humble the child as well as help them realize that when we behave badly in life, there are consequences.  This should be followed by the child apologizing.  When they do so, they can stop feeling guilty and move forward.  THIS is the moment when parents should hug their child to comfort them.

A parent should never comfort a child after they have misbehaved, even if they are crying (because they've just been caught).  That just teaches them that they can continue behaving badly in order to get your attention and be rewarded with a hug.  A parent should also never apologize for delivering a consequence to a child, or they will find a way to use this to manipulate you.  Children are very smart that way.  And a parent should never overlook defiant behavior or bail them out whenever they get into trouble because of their own doing!  

Never think that things will just work out somehow, or get better over time.  Children will most likely NOT learn to do better all on their own.  What they will learn is just how much they can get away with, and then they will keep seeing how much more they can get away with.  And very often, whether they realize this or not, they are testing you to see if you really do care.  Because if you really care, you will do something to correct them and teach them how to do better.  And how you handle those situations will also teach them about your own character, as you are their example to learn from and emulate.

It is important that a child is taught that how they listen to and respect their parents will help bring about a peaceful and fun family life.  As well, they need to know that how they live and behave now as children will be how they live and behave as adults.  If things are contentious at home, they will most likely grow up to be contentious and establish their own contentious household.  If a child doesn't learn to respect any form or level of discipline, they will not learn to respect and desire knowledge and wisdom, now or when they become adults, and so, they will struggle with maintaining healthy relationships.

God offers instructions that will foster better relationships with others.  Like, having discretion, being prudent, respectful, kind, encouraging, patient, understanding, slow to anger, generous (especially to the poor), and being gracious to forgive quickly when offended.  These attitudes should be practiced towards all people.  So how much more then towards our spouse!?

Husbands are to be the spiritual leaders of a household, but not to lord over the wife and children.  Husbands are to lead by example, which is to be a humble servant, exercising self-control and unconditional and sacrificial love.  Remember, God created a woman in order to be a husband's helpmeet.  It's all about teamwork, so it benefits a marriage when a husband consults and considers his wife on all matters.  And most importantly, it benefits a marriage when both husband and wife consult and depend on the Lord, in all matters!

A wife should remember to also respect her husband, and to be encouraging and supportive.  I've heard too many women complain that their husbands don't spend enough time with them AND don't make enough money!  Hm, well, to make money, one does have to spend a lot of time working.  So instead, we need to learn to be thankful and content in all things, as well as be part of the solution, not the problem.

One of the bigger struggles within a marriage is finances.  So being prudent is important.  And this is defined as showing care and thought for the future.  In other words, if you and your spouse agree to a budget, it would be a betrayal to disregard the plan, and squander money.  And being prudent does not just apply to money.  Everything we do is either a depletion or an investment for our future.  Whatever we do or say will accumulate; so better to do and say good things with good intentions.  This includes looking for opportunities to serve, help, and show our appreciation.  

We need to continue "dating" our spouse. And that doesn't have to cost any money.  My husband and I came up with an idea to set aside one evening a week.  I create a romantic corner in the house, with lovely background music, maybe candlelight...  Then we spend at least one hour - just - talking!  It usually turns into two hours.  And then we go to the kitchen and make supper together.  Of course, when there are children still at home, one has to get a little more creative, but it is not just worth it, it is very much necessary!  

A marriage that works is one that is working on making it work... always!  And when children see that you are putting God first, then the marriage, and then the children, this will actually give them more peace and confidence that their parents won't be heading for divorce, as this is the number one fear for kids.  If you put the kids ahead of the marriage, and the marriage falls apart, they won't just be upset, they will also find a way to blame themselves.

Listen, I'm not perfect.  I still struggle and make mistakes, and that happens when I do things in my own thinking to get what I think I want or need.  Very quickly though, I see those efforts backfire.  And if I only continue in what I've been doing, it will only get worse.  That's when I need to stop, confess, and then turn back to see what the Lord wants me to do, for each circumstance.  His advice throughout scripture, when applied, will work out for good.  I have seen proof of this in my own life and in my relationships with others.

relationships (Proverbs 18:1-24) Choices For True Success

(Proverbs 18:1-24)

1   One who separates himself seeks his own desire;
     He quarrels against all sound wisdom.
2   A fool does not delight in understanding,
     But in revealing his own mind.
3   When a wicked person comes, contempt also comes,
     And with dishonor comes taunting.
4   The words of a person’s mouth are deep waters;
     The fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook.
5   To show partiality to the wicked is not good,
     Nor to suppress the righteous in judgment.
6   A fool’s lips bring strife,
     And his mouth invites beatings.
7   A fool’s mouth is his ruin,
     And his lips are the snare of his soul.
8   The words of a gossiper are like dainty morsels,
     And they go down into the innermost parts of the body.
9   He also who is lax in his work
     Is a brother to him who destroys.
10 The name of the Lord is a strong tower;
     The righteous runs into it and is safe.
11 A rich person’s wealth is his strong city,
     And like a high wall in his own imagination.
12 Before destruction the heart of a person is haughty,
     But humility goes before honor.
13 One who gives an answer before he hears,
     It is foolishness and shame to him.
14 The spirit of a person can endure his sickness,
     But as for a broken spirit, who can endure it?
15 The mind of the discerning acquires knowledge,
     And the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.
16 A person’s gift makes room for him 
     And brings him before great people.
17 The first to plead his case seems right,
     Until another comes and examines him.
18 The cast lot puts an end to quarrels,
     And decides between the mighty ones.
19 A brother who is offended is harder to be won than a strong city,
     And quarrels are like the bars of a citadel.
20 With the fruit of a person’s mouth his stomach will be satisfied;
     He will be satisfied with the product of his lips.
21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
     And those who love it will eat its fruit.
22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing 
     And obtains favor from the Lord.
23 A poor person utters pleadings,
     But a rich person answers defiantly.
24 A person of too many friends comes to ruin,
     But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

TODAY'S THOUGHTS AND MEDITATION:

People have the choice to put their faith in their own wealth, strength and wisdom, thinking that this will save them and help them, OR we can humbly run to the Lord as our guaranteed strong tower of refuge.  Salvation is only through Jesus Christ.  And in maintaining a humble heart, we will receive His blessings.  Even though we will stumble in our walk with the Lord, as verse 14 says, our salvation is secure.  Because of His grace, we can keep running back to Him!  So, even though we will struggle, God wants to help us and guide us towards having a fruitful life. 

Now, pretty much everyone wants to have a life of peace, happiness, purpose, success and fulfillment.  And our choices in life will either hurt us or help bring us closer to realizing these dreams, goals and aspirations.  And this chapter gives us some insights into which choices work, and which choices do not work.

These are things that lead to violent and unsettling lives:  Favoring the wicked and the criminals, while hurting the innocent and the righteous.  Being contentious will only invite opposition and strife.  Speaking before listening will lead to many misunderstandings.  And being haughty, defiant and arrogant will offend others; and depending on who that is, the negative consequences will vary.  It is never positive.

These are things that lead to lonely, insecure lives:  Only living for oneself causes one to argue against anything which might interfere with that, even if the advice would actually benefit them.  Being selfish and self-centered has one believing that the world owes them.  So, those poor in character tend to beg for things.  In trying to feel better about themselves, they will gossip and slander, and show contempt, taunt and argue, which will only push more people away.  Anyone lazy, selfish and foolish will not want to hear or understand truth, because that would only reveal their personal shortcomings, and then they would have to change somehow.  

These are things that lead to shallow and unfulfilling lives:  This might sound weird, but having too many friends!  Think about it, to become famous and popular, requires a person to compromise their character, because one is intent on appealing to everyone.  You'd think that this would be fulfilling, but how can it be, because your fans are only "loving you" because of what you do for them.

So, what are the things that lead to a fulfilling and secure life?  It is to be born again by humbly accepting and embracing Jesus as our Lord and Savior.  Continually run to the Lord to be our refuge and strength, and He will heal and refresh our spirit.  Study and trust in the Lord's word which will bring us knowledge and discernment. Be content in the Lord's grace and joy which will help us be gracious.  Consider our spouse as is a gift and a blessing from the Lord.  Apply God's love and wisdom, and in Him, our relationships will be strengthened and nourished.  Be with other steadfast believers who will help to mentor, encourage and edify us, so we can do the same for others.  Most importantly, continue to grow closer in our relationship with the Lord, who is the only one who can fulfill and satisfy our lives!