relationships (Proverbs 19:1-29) Encouraging Advice

(Proverbs 19:1-29) 

1   Better is a poor person who walks in his integrity 
     Than a person who is perverse in speech and is a fool.
2   Also it is not good for a person to be without knowledge,
     And one who hurries his footsteps errs.
3   The foolishness of a person ruins his way,
     And his heart rages against the Lord.
4   Wealth adds many friends,
     But a poor person is separated from his friend.
5   A false witness will not go unpunished,
     And one who declares lies will not escape.
6   Many will seek the favor of a generous person,
     And every person is a friend to him who gives gifts.
7   All the brothers of a poor person hate him;
     How much more do his friends abandon him!
     He pursues them with words, but they are gone.
8   One who gets wisdom loves his own soul;
     One who keeps understanding will find good.
9   A false witness will not go unpunished,
     And one who declares lies will perish.
10 Luxury is not fitting for a fool;
     Much less for a slave to rule over princes.
11 A person’s discretion makes him slow to anger,
     And it is his glory to overlook an offense.
12 A king’s wrath is like the roaring of a lion,
     But his favor is like dew on the grass.
13 A foolish son is destruction to his father,
     And the quarrels of a wife are a constant dripping.
14 House and wealth are an inheritance from fathers,
     But a prudent wife is from the Lord.
15 Laziness casts one into a deep sleep,
     And a lazy person will suffer hunger.
16 One who keeps the commandment keeps his soul,
     But one who is careless of conduct will die.
17 One who is gracious to a poor person lends to the Lord,
     And He will repay him for his good deed.
18 Discipline your son while there is hope,
     And do not desire his death.
19 A person of great anger will suffer the penalty,
     For if you rescue him, you will only have to do it again.
20 Listen to advice and accept discipline,
     So that you may be wise the rest of your days.
21 Many plans are in a person’s heart,
     But the advice of the Lord will stand.
22 What is desirable in a person is his kindness,
     And it is better to be a poor person than a liar.
23 The fear of the Lord leads to life,
     So that one may sleep satisfied, untouched by evil.
24 The lazy one buries his hand in the dish,
     But will not even bring it back to his mouth.
25 Strike a scoffer and the naive may become clever,
     But rebuke one who has understanding, and he will gain knowledge.
26 He who assaults his father and drives his mother away 
     Is a shameful and disgraceful son.
27 Stop listening, my son, to discipline,
     And you will stray from the words of knowledge.
28 A worthless witness makes a mockery of justice,
     And the mouth of the wicked swallows wrongdoing.
29 Judgments are prepared for scoffers,
     And beatings for the backs of fools.

TODAY'S THOUGHTS AND MEDITATION:

Typically when a person lives by their "own truths", and then when things go wrong, they somehow blame God.  Of course, they don't want to blame themselves, because they want to continue doing what they want to do, right or wrong.  But to speak truth and to walk in truth, we need to first know what is truth.  And truth is not determined by our feelings, thoughts or beliefs.  Therefore, logic and integrity would prompt a person to seek out truth, and then accept it and live by it.  But because of sin, there is death and division, not just between people and the Lord, but between each other, whether it is between other nations, cultures, neighbors, friends, family and even between spouses.  

While there are selfish, sinful reasons to make friends with someone, there are also selfish, sinful behaviors that will make them enemies.  Incorrect motives for making friends include people's popularity, fame, external beauty, financial success, power and what the other person can and will give and do for their friends.  Selfish, sinful tactics to try to control and manipulate others can include enabling and committing injustices, lying, slandering, arguing, nagging, being careless and lazy, and expecting others to do all the work.

The world's solution for when the other person is no longer useful or is not being supportive in the way that is desired, the selfish, sinful reactions and tactics can include shunning, hating, and seeking revenge.  Another reason why we might use wrongful tactics is when we make assumptions about a situation or a person.  If we just want to get our own way, we tend to avoid getting to the actually truth.  

All of these things only bring division, deception and destruction, and all of these things will not go unpunished for the unbeliever.  And if a believer has done these things, God will allow consequences into our lives, because He loves us and cares about us, and has a better way for us.  Of course, because God is love, He never forces anyone to love Him back or be obedient.  It is always our decision.

If we care about ourself, our heart, our soul, and our life (presently and eternally), then we will desire to know God and understand His wisdom.  And then, living a life in the Lord's salvation, in His righteousness, to His honor and His glory, He will work things out for good, and that would include helping us with all relationships.

As per the scripture above, here are some examples of problems and solutions which can be found and applied within our homes.

Towards our children, if we care, we will discipline them.  This is about using every opportunity as a teaching moment.  Teach them things they should do, and not just things that they shouldn't do.  Giving reasons why, will help children understand and better remember what is expected.  We cannot expect them to behave if they don't know what that looks like.  And we cannot deliver consequences if they don't know what not to do.  Being consistent in our messaging and our reactions is critical.  And both parents should be on the same page as to what are the rules, and how consequences will be delivered.  Otherwise, a child will learn to pit one parent against the other.  It's not good for the marriage, and it is not good for the child.

When a child defiantly disobeys, there needs to be immediate and appropriate consequences, in private.  NEVER discipline with anger or be abusive (spiritually, emotionally, verbally or physically).  Everything should be said and done with love.  While delivering consequences, it is important that the child is asked, (for example) "What did we tell you not to do?"  If they don't remember, remind them.  And then ask them, "But what DID you do?"  This allows them to confess what they did aloud, which should have them feel remorse.  That is a good and healthy thing!  

As well, parents need to deliver whatever consequence in love, but with firmness, and no regrets.  Children should not just hear that you are disciplining them because you care and want the best for them, they need to experience that.  Delivering consequences will humble the child as well as help them realize that when we behave badly in life, there are consequences.  This should be followed by the child apologizing.  When they do so, they can stop feeling guilty and move forward.  THIS is the moment when parents should hug their child to comfort them.

A parent should never comfort a child after they have misbehaved, even if they are crying (because they've just been caught).  That just teaches them that they can continue behaving badly in order to get your attention and be rewarded with a hug.  A parent should also never apologize for delivering a consequence to a child, or they will find a way to use this to manipulate you.  Children are very smart that way.  And a parent should never overlook defiant behavior or bail them out whenever they get into trouble because of their own doing!  

Never think that things will just work out somehow, or get better over time.  Children will most likely NOT learn to do better all on their own.  What they will learn is just how much they can get away with, and then they will keep seeing how much more they can get away with.  And very often, whether they realize this or not, they are testing you to see if you really do care.  Because if you really care, you will do something to correct them and teach them how to do better.  And how you handle those situations will also teach them about your own character, as you are their example to learn from and emulate.

It is important that a child is taught that how they listen to and respect their parents will help bring about a peaceful and fun family life.  As well, they need to know that how they live and behave now as children will be how they live and behave as adults.  If things are contentious at home, they will most likely grow up to be contentious and establish their own contentious household.  If a child doesn't learn to respect any form or level of discipline, they will not learn to respect and desire knowledge and wisdom, now or when they become adults, and so, they will struggle with maintaining healthy relationships.

God offers instructions that will foster better relationships with others.  Like, having discretion, being prudent, respectful, kind, encouraging, patient, understanding, slow to anger, generous (especially to the poor), and being gracious to forgive quickly when offended.  These attitudes should be practiced towards all people.  So how much more then towards our spouse!?

Husbands are to be the spiritual leaders of a household, but not to lord over the wife and children.  Husbands are to lead by example, which is to be a humble servant, exercising self-control and unconditional and sacrificial love.  Remember, God created a woman in order to be a husband's helpmeet.  It's all about teamwork, so it benefits a marriage when a husband consults and considers his wife on all matters.  And most importantly, it benefits a marriage when both husband and wife consult and depend on the Lord, in all matters!

A wife should remember to also respect her husband, and to be encouraging and supportive.  I've heard too many women complain that their husbands don't spend enough time with them AND don't make enough money!  Hm, well, to make money, one does have to spend a lot of time working.  So instead, we need to learn to be thankful and content in all things, as well as be part of the solution, not the problem.

One of the bigger struggles within a marriage is finances.  So being prudent is important.  And this is defined as showing care and thought for the future.  In other words, if you and your spouse agree to a budget, it would be a betrayal to disregard the plan, and squander money.  And being prudent does not just apply to money.  Everything we do is either a depletion or an investment for our future.  Whatever we do or say will accumulate; so better to do and say good things with good intentions.  This includes looking for opportunities to serve, help, and show our appreciation.  

We need to continue "dating" our spouse. And that doesn't have to cost any money.  My husband and I came up with an idea to set aside one evening a week.  I create a romantic corner in the house, with lovely background music, maybe candlelight...  Then we spend at least one hour - just - talking!  It usually turns into two hours.  And then we go to the kitchen and make supper together.  Of course, when there are children still at home, one has to get a little more creative, but it is not just worth it, it is very much necessary!  

A marriage that works is one that is working on making it work... always!  And when children see that you are putting God first, then the marriage, and then the children, this will actually give them more peace and confidence that their parents won't be heading for divorce, as this is the number one fear for kids.  If you put the kids ahead of the marriage, and the marriage falls apart, they won't just be upset, they will also find a way to blame themselves.

Listen, I'm not perfect.  I still struggle and make mistakes, and that happens when I do things in my own thinking to get what I think I want or need.  Very quickly though, I see those efforts backfire.  And if I only continue in what I've been doing, it will only get worse.  That's when I need to stop, confess, and then turn back to see what the Lord wants me to do, for each circumstance.  His advice throughout scripture, when applied, will work out for good.  I have seen proof of this in my own life and in my relationships with others.