relationships (Proverbs 23:10-16, 22-26) Looking After the Children

(Proverbs 23:10-16, 22-26)

10 Do not move the ancient boundary 
     Or go into the fields of the fatherless,
11 For their Redeemer is strong;
     He will plead their case against you.
12 Apply your heart to discipline,
     And your ears to words of knowledge.

13 Do not withhold discipline from a child;
     Though you strike him with the rod, he will not die.
14 You shall strike him with the rod 
     And rescue his soul from Sheol.

15 My son, if your heart is wise,
     My own heart also will be glad,
16 And my innermost being will rejoice 

     When your lips speak what is right.

...

22 Listen to your father, who fathered you,
     And do not despise your mother when she is old.
23 Buy truth, and do not sell it,

     Get wisdom, instruction, and understanding.

24 The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice,
     And he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him.
25 Let your father and your mother be glad,

     And let her rejoice who gave birth to you.

26 Give me your heart, my son,
     And let your eyes delight in my ways.

TODAY'S THOUGHTS AND MEDITATION:

These verses are not just for parents.  Every person's words and actions will impact the children that are around them.  And while every person might not be a parent, every person is a child.  And every child longs to have a loving, peaceful family life.  But children do not have the answers... the adults do.  

Therefore, it is up to the adults, the parents, to patiently and lovingly be teaching them what is right and wrong, and what works and what doesn't work.  We should teach them the importance of respecting parents and authority.  And we ourselves should live in such a way that it is easy for a child to respect parents and authority.  We should teach them the value of having a personal relationship with the Lord, and how valuable it is to become knowledgeable and trust in God's wisdom, so that they can get along in the world, and grow up to have a loving, peaceful life.

As believers, we are called to look out for orphans, and any child that is vulnerable, in trouble, or in danger.  And as verse 11 says, the Lord sees and knows everything, and He will judge will allow consequences into the lives of those who mistreat any child.  What is extra sad is that many children who are molested and/or abused (whether physically, verbally, emotionally, and even spiritually) will often become the abusers.  What happens in their own little lives is bad enough, but by allowing injustices to happen is not just hurting that child, but possibly far more in the future.

I'm going to dare say it.  Right now in North America, there is a trend where people are showing compassion and protecting the criminals, and not the victims, and then, hating those who are trying to protect the victims and stand up for justice.  Our countries need so much prayer!!!  And hating people (even the criminals) is not the answer.  Hating others only adds to the hate.  It doesn't help the situation.  But let us clearly understand that catching, prosecuting and punishing criminals is not an act of hate.  That is part of carrying out justice.  We can still love the criminals, while carrying out justice.

In the same way, parents love their children, even when and especially when they discipline them.  Parents do need to figure out the best way to discipline their children, and they need to be in agreement.  I know many are against corporal punishment, and so they need to find other consequences that cause a child to feel remorse, realize the need to apologize, and then desire to listen and do better.  

From this, children will be so much happier, because it shows them that their parents care and want the best for them.  They will be more confident when there are clear, healthy rules and directions laid out, which are enforced.  And they will experience peace when there is more understanding, cooperation and unity.

First of all, a child needs to know what is right and what is wrong.  And then, when they DEFIANTLY do something wrong, this requires immediate consequences.  Don't count to ten or three, otherwise they will just learn that they have a few more seconds to continue doing what they were doing.  AND it gives you an opportunity to become angry and impatient to the point of losing control.  Instead, quickly, calmly but firmly, take them somewhere private.  

In private, ask them what you have said.  (They should remember, because they just went defiantly against what they have been told.)  Then ask what they did.  (In this way, they have to make a verbal confession.)  Then tell them that because they disobeyed, and because you love them, they need to be punished.  If they cry and say that they are sorry, perhaps there is grace at this point.  But if they've tried this before, then you know they're only crying (at this point) because they've been caught and they're trying to get out of being punished.  Always, the type of punishment should be determined by the child's age as well as what they did.

IF you want to use corporal punishment, here are a few guidelines given by some experts, such as Dr. James Dobson.  I used his guidelines with our children, and my parents essentially used the same approach with me.  I never feared them or hated them, and I knew that they loved me.  And after being spanked (about three times in my life), I knew that I did not want to disobey my parents!  It's interesting how quickly a child can learn that when we listen to our parents, all will be well.

Spanking must be done in love, though!  Never while angry or impatient!  It really is only recommended for children who are between the ages of two and five.  Give 2 to 3 spanks on the flesh of the buttocks for children who are 2.  For children who are 3, use 3-4, etc., but no more than 5.  And yes, it should hurt!  The flesh will be a little pink.  Never spank to a point that there is a welt or bruise.  Use something like a wooden spoon (without any sharp edges) and try it on yourself first.  Using your hand can be effective, as it will hurt your hand more than what the child is feeling.

After whatever punishment you have given to your child, don't hug them unless they show remorse and are sorry for what they have done.  And never apologize for punishing them.  This would send a very confusing message to your child, because you have done nothing wrong!

Now let's get into how NOT to punish a child.  I have seen some parents use what they call "corporal punishment" which definitely crosses a line into being abusive.  But there are other forms of consequences which would also cross that line.  So how can one know if a method is abusive or not.  

If a child is becoming resentful of their parent/s, and/or they hate and fear their parent/s more and more, there may be some level of abuse.  Not to say that a child might just be hating their parents as a form of rebellion;  because if a parent is doing everything correctly, they could still choose to act out.  

If a child is angry, the punishment might be unfair in relation to what was done.  And here's a thinker - I've seen children get angry because the punishment was not hard enough, so it was more of an irritation to them - like - the parent was just interrupting their fun.

If a child is anxious and fearful of making mistakes, the parent/s might be too strict and their expectations might be too high.  

If a child is becoming more frustrated and insecure, it might be because the parent/s are being inconsistent in what the rules are, and/or inconsistent with how and when discipline is administered.  I've seen some parents encourage a child to misbehave and then laugh at "the cuteness", but then the next day, the same parent is punishing the child for doing the same exact thing.

If a child is becoming too cavalier and/or laughing at the wrong things, perhaps the parent is not paying attention, or simply ignoring bad behavior.  A parent who does nothing and lets their children get away with bad behavior is not only enabling them to behave even worse, it is neglect and a different form of abuse.  Therefore, along with all the other examples, this is not a loving or effective method at all.

And now for the "how".  If one does not want to use corporal punishment, one has to find something that speaks to the child's "currency".  With this method, one has to be careful that it is not using a good thing as a punishment.  Let's just say for example that they are made to read the Bible.  Well, the Bible should be a very good thing to do.  This should never be seen as a punishment, or they will never want to study the Bible, ever again.  Also not a great idea is sending them to bed without supper.  Food really shouldn't be used as weapons or rewards.  Too many kids grow up to either self-medicate with food, or become anorexic or bulimic as a way to feel more in control of life.

Another thing to keep in mind is to make sure that the punishment isn't actually something they might enjoy, like sending them to their room.  FYI, I LOVED playing by myself in my room!!!  That would not have worked as a punishment for me.  Also, make sure that it isn't more of a punishment for you or someone else, than it is for the child.  

Our goal as parents in delivering appropriate measures of punishment should be to have our children realize that there are consequences to our actions, which will help spare them a lifetime of miserable consequences.  To be vigilant and on top of this should actually give the family more time together that is positive and encouraging.  Establishing a peaceful, fun and loving environment will help them see the sense in pursuing the Lord and His will, and living in His strength and wisdom.