(Genesis 26:34-35) When Esau was forty years old he married Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Basemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite; 35 and they brought grief to Isaac and Rebekah.
TODAY'S THOUGHTS AND MEDITATION:
Yes, it's a short passage today, but there's so much in these two verses! Esau did a few things wrong here, and the parents allowed Esau's issues to become theirs. It also would not have helped that the parents still had their favorites. By Rebekah favoring "the other son" and Isaac favoring Esau they were guaranteed to have extra tension in their own marriage because of that. Why? Because they probably disagreed on how to handle Esau's issues.
Parents need to love their children's spouses and remain supportive and encouraging. But stay out of their children's marriages. If and when a child comes to you to complain, you need to encourage them to go back and work things out with their spouse. If they ask for advice, don't just take your child's side, take their marriage's side. Advise them to apologize for any wrong they have done, and to forgive their spouse for any wrong doing on their part. Etc. But do tell them not to run to Mom and Dad just to complain. If they still do, remember that there will be two sides to those complaints.
Understand that the in-law might not be as bad as they are being portrayed. One might hear about all the problems, but you might not hear from them when things are going well. Do not make any assumptions. Although, know the clear signs of abuse. If there is evidence of some sort of abuse, that's a whole other thing. Seek out the help and advice of some reputable Christian psychologists, and be wisely supportive. If it is your child who is being abusive or destructive, do not enable them and/or remain in denial. You would not be doing anyone any favors. In fact, you would only be helping to make the issue more difficult.
Now let's look at what Esau's issues were. We know from previous passages that God meant for a marriage to be between one man and one woman. And we know from previous passages that we are to leave our parents and cleave to our spouse. The two become one flesh.
Having more than one wife means that the second wife is "the adulterous one". Let's also do the math. Having more than one spouse, it would be next to impossible to not have favorites, to not have jealousy, to not have competitiveness and game-playing... One can see how this would get very messy and contentious.
Also, God's will is that a believer should marry another believer. Christianity is unlike all other religions. For one, it is not "a religion". It is not about do's and don'ts, and all about having a personal relationship with the Lord. And also unique, the Lord is to be first in our lives. Whoever we put first in our lives - is our God - or gods (idols). Idols or the world's manmade gods or our personal "gods" (whether it be another person, our spouse, our kids, ourselves, career, sports, drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping... what is most important in your life?) Idols or any other god cannot save us and will only let us down.
Now, we know that Isaac was a believer, but was Esau a believer? It doesn't seem like it at this point. So then, it doesn't much matter who he married! But their family would have had definite cultural differences from the Hittites. No where in the Bible does it say that it is wrong to marry someone of a different color or culture. Just know and be very aware that the more differences there are between the two cultures, there will be extra work to make a marriage work. Either you are working to combine all the different aspects, or someone is compromising in some way/s.
Let me just share my personal experiences around this. My husband and I are actually from the very same culture and share a very similar Christian background - and there were STILL many differences within the small scale "cultures" of our own family homes. Our daughter married a Christian who came out of a very different culture, so they had to figure out how to settle into a style that worked for them.
There will be many "cultural" things to work out in any marriage. So what helps with that? While dating - DO talk about everything! What exactly do you believe? How many kids do you want? What would be your parenting style? What if it is not possible to have children? How do you manage money? How do you feel about both parents working (or not)? How would you split the housework?...
While dating, it is not wrong to have deal-breakers in order to see if a marriage with someone would work. So what helps with that? Before dating anyone, get to know who you are. Pray about it and think through all the things you absolutely require of the other person. And pray about and think through all the things that would be absolute deal-breakers.
This isn't "a wish-list" - it should be a list of absolutes! (Like: They are a practicing Christian who serves God in some way. Their doctrinal statement aligns with mine. They are saving themselves for marriage. I can see real evidence in their walk with God. They are responsible in keeping a job and supporting themselves. They desire to love and respect those whom I love and strive to get along with them...)
In this way, when you meet someone that seems like they could be good dating-material, get to know them enough first to see if they check all the boxes. If a person doesn't check off ALL the boxes, then don't even start dating them. That way, you don't even have to break up with them, because you never started dating. And DO NOT think that just because they don't check off a few of the boxes right now that you can change them. Sure, sometimes it can work out, but I can tell you that most often it does not, and in fact, it goes very, very badly.
And may I just add... do not rely on "chemistry". Real love is a choice. Feelings are fickle and they come and they go. Even during marriage. Therefore find someone to love, who loves you back, using God's love, patience and wisdom. Then, enjoy with your heart.
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